My Therapy Journey So Far

No, it's not because I didn't like my previous one. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that this is the third one I've had in three years... It turns out that this period of time when we are all quarantining means there's nothing else to do at home but have a baby—and that's what two of them did.

It's been a while since I've discussed this aspect of my life, but now more than ever I think it is really important to embrace how beneficial seeking therapy is during a time where it feels like you've lost control of everything. I started seeing a therapist my freshman year of college after a horrible roommate experience and a somehow less horrible—but pretty close—breakup. Temple University provides mostly short-term therapy and then refers students after a year to at least help people get their foot in the door. I was really scared because I had heard that Temple therapists weren't that great, but I had been waiting to see someone since high school and I couldn't wait any longer.

The person who I had my consultation with was so amazing and I really thought she would end up being my therapist. I was a bit disappointed when I realized she wouldn't be. However, I didn't continue to feel sad when I met my first therapist. She was so gentle and had the perfect balance of listening and problem-solving. This therapist helped me through all of my roommate trauma, my breakup trauma, and most of the heavy lifting work regarding my rocky relationship with my parents. I couldn't see her over the summer though, because I wasn't enrolled in any summer courses and she was a fellow, so she was moving onto another part of her program.

The next school year, I went back to Temple to see someone new and was met with lots of resistance. I had to meet with someone to advocate for myself to continue seeing someone at Temple rather than finding an external practitioner. I was fortunately given the opportunity to be seen by another fellow, but it was clear I would need to find someone new afterward. This therapist helped me through the most difficult breakup of my entire life. I had never loved someone more than this boyfriend, but I had also never been so hurt by someone. I was broken up with twice by this person as well. She helped me throughout the breakup, the month of us talking about getting back together, and the months after the second breakup. One thing I forgot to mention is that sessions with fellows are recorded so their supervisor can provide feedback. At the beginning of a session, she said that she hoped she wasn't pushing me in any sort of direction in our previous meeting. I didn't know if I should have been offended or relieved that I didn't feel any pressure at all. I'm glad that she still apologized/reassured me that her intentions are never to try to steer me in any way because that's not what she is meant to do. This therapist was also the one who transitioned into Zoom therapy because COVID hit that March. Telehealth was so much better and so much more draining at the same time. I missed sitting on a comfy couch and hugging a pillow while talking to someone face-to-face. But I didn't miss walking over to the building from my dorm or apartment and waiting in the office.

Just as the last one had ended, this relationship finished with the school year and I found Mainline Telehealth in the summer. With my insurance, sessions only cost me $20 and I was over the moon about that. I got a new therapist very quickly during a time I was severely depressed. I had a horrible sleep schedule; I was going to bed at 4 am and waking up at 4 pm consistently. I still had so much anxiety about my breakup and this therapist sometimes made suggestions that I didn't like or that felt lazy. She recommended the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook that I bought immediately but still haven't touched to this day. One session, we spent a good 10 minutes on a guided meditation. I liked it the first time, but I didn't like the other ones. If I wanted this, I could just go on YouTube myself. Sometimes, we would have sessions and she would cancel minutes before; But it actually made me feel relieved. I dreaded going to these sessions and not because of the normal reasons. It didn't always feel extremely good afterward like it used to—like it's supposed to. Anyway, it turned out that she was very pregnant and had to abruptly end our sessions.

Once that therapist got pregnant and went on maternity leave, I got a super sweet middle-aged woman. I honestly forgot the name of this therapist because I was only in her care for about two months, which was such a shame because I really loved her as well. Even though this pairing was "random" as much as my other therapist matches, this made me realize that it's completely okay to find a new practitioner when it isn't working for me. I was so relieved that I was in someone else's care and I immediately felt like I was in better hands. You should never feel that way about the person who is meant to be helping you heal your mental health issues.

Now, I have a (hopefully) permanent telehealth therapist that I absolutely adore. She has been my favourite and I can't imagine my life without seeing her. I hope this journey with her continues. I just looked through my email to find when I started seeing her and found that our first session was Tuesday, 1/12 at 4 PM. That day changed my life. It was the start of a beautiful relationship that I want to remember forever.